Sunday, January 15, 2012

Cookie Saleswoman Part One: Door to Door

It's not an easy thing to do, selling cookies. You have to harrass people- probably strangers- to give you money for cookies that they don't even have yet. You have to manage to convince people that they do want cookies. You have to talk to deaf old men. You have to get people to break their new years resolutions and eat sugar/junk food.
You have to do this in January when it's cold and snowy and you'd really rather be home.
This is the art of the door to door cookie harrassment.

Here are some tips to make this better:

1. Bring a clipboard. This way you don't end up writing on your sister's head.
2. Wear socks- if you do not, you will get snow in your boots. And get a blister. And then will complain about it the entire way back until you start walking like a zombie.
3. Wear gloves.
4. Master the art of becoming slap happy on a notice. Having a grumpy guy tell you he doesn't want to buy cookies is a lot easier to accept when you can laugh about his weird eyebrows.

Now that you have some of the tips down, here are the steps to the door to door sale of Girl Scout cookies:

1. Find a house. Any house. As long as there is no "no soliciting" sign, and it isn't your house, it should be fine.
2. Approach said house.
3. Ring doorbell.
4. Wait for 30 seconds.
5. If no one answers the door, leave.
5. When the door is answered, smile like a preppy cheerleader on crack and say "want to buy some girl scout cookies?!"
6. When they mishear you (and they will mishear you/not hear what you've said), repeat in a louder, more obnoxious voice, "Do you want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?!?!?!?!?!?!"
7. When they say no, say "thank you anyway!" and walk off.
7. When they say yes, ask them what type.
8. Explain that the Girl Scouts do not have chocolate chip cookies.
9. Describe the cookies for them.
10. Write down their order.
11. Tell them you want your money now.
12. Tell them you do not in fact have change for a $20, $10, or a $5 bill.
13. Forget where to make the check out to.
14. Remember where to make the check out to.
15. Take money.
16. Write down address.
17. Leave.
18. Repeat from step one.

And, yes. You will run into people who don't want cookies. Or who don't eat sugar. Or who have a house that smells like hotdogs. Or who will inexplicably have two doors. Or who will have funny eyebrows. But overall, it's worth it.

And if you don't have patience to read all of the above?
Just use my rule of thumb:
If they don't answer the door in 30 seconds, run like heck.
(They're either kidnappers, aliens, not home, or creepers. :))

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