Monday, November 3, 2014

The Worst Negative Reviews

Hey there folks.
As you all know, I work at Dunkin Donuts as barista/cashier/maid/cook/etc.
Sadly, we have, at the bottom of our receipts, something called a survey code.
Which means that customers, who are usually poorly informed, can provide their poorly informed opinions on the operations of our restaurant.
This is so that they can get a free donut.
I digress.

Today, while I was slaving away for minimum wage, I saw that my bosses had printed out our most recent survey comments. I flipped through the five or so pages of them, most of them either vague or positive, and a certain number of them stood out to me.
Most of the noticeable ones were negative.
My personal theory is that 99% of negative reviews come from customers who are very, extremely, exceptionally, unintelligent.
I'll let you make up your mind after I list several of the reviews that stood out to me, along with my personal interpretation of said reviews.


"You need to have an English speaking taking orders at the drive through! I could to understand your employee and she she didn't understand me because my order was wrong!!!"
This is an actual and direct quote, including the double "she" in it.

Really?
I mean.
Really?
I still can't wrap my brain around this complaint.
Did the person understand how dumb they sounded when they typed this?
I mean, even if you accept that they may have had a typo (which would explain the "she she" and even the "could to" part), are you kidding when you say "an English speaking" as a noun?
I can't.
My interpretation of this?
"I'm racist and I don't like Hispanic people. Also I order in a manner that's so confusing that someone who makes their living by taking orders can't understand what I want."


There was not only a line at the drive thru to order, but also a line to receive your order! Even when you go inside there is a wait, even if there isn't a line.

...
We're a fast food restaurant.
Being busy is the only way we're still in business.
We're not even that busy most of the time.
And also we make your food as you order it so I apologize if your sandwich isn't immediate, but I think you probably want fresh food.
Also please stop complaining to us about having a line. It literally isn't our fault that other people also decided to get their coffee this morning.
My interpretation:
"I am an impatient person who probably didn't like standing in line in elementary school and also probably my parents gave me whatever I wanted when I was a little kid."


Make the coupon expiration dates longer.

IT ISN'T ACTUALLY UP TO US WHEN YOUR COUPONS EXPIRE. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, TALK TO COROPORATE. if YOU ACTUALLY GET TO TALK TO THEM, LET ME KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE SOME ISSUES WITH THEM TOO, THANKS.

"I'm a decent person but I don't actually understand how franchises work."


Take the customers order, take coupons at point of payment, and don't tell the customer they are the reason for any mistakes.

Maybe if you actually ordered properly and gave us your coupons when you pay, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. However, it isn't our job to ask you if you have a coupon. We aren't actually mind readers. Also, I'm glad you know how to do my job better than I do. It's clearly always my fault when something goes wrong; it's never the customer's fault.
Admittedly, no. We shouldn't actually patronize our customers and tell them they're the problem.
(Truth be told though, they usually are the problem.)
So try this, customer: How about you actually show some consideration for the fact that this employee has to talk to a hundred other people just like you and take orders that start sounding the same, and actually treat them like a person? How about you don't freak out if we make a mistake, because it's just as likely as you made a mistake with ordering?

Interpretation:
"I've never had a minimum wage job, I think I know better than you, also I'm way more important than anyone else in this entire building. Your job is clearly to be my servant."


To be honest, there were a couple more, but I can't remember them off the top of my head. I'll get some more of them later though, so never fear!

Saturday, August 23, 2014

How to Order Food Like a Jerkwad

It has come to my attention that all the "cool kids" are, in fact, total dicks to minimum wage employees. This includes yours truly.
So, in order to promote general coolness in all customers, I have devised a handy guide for all of you who want to order like total buttholes.
Here goes.


Order Something While Talking on the Phone
You heard correctly. Maybe. With 99.999% of your attention on the fascinating conversation you're having, the minimum wage worker will have to repeat what she said a dozen times before you actually comprehend the words.
And that's a baker's dozen.

Take Forever While Ordering but don't let the Employee Help the Next Person who Already Knows What They Want and are Prepared to Tip
This step takes a certain skill. First of all, you need to take four or five minutes just to look at the menu, while still saying "I'll have.... uh... I'll do a......" while edging around the counter so that we can't get to the customer who has exact change in their hand (along with a tip) and who is getting increasingly irritated.
(Make sure you're still on your phone, too.)

Order Something that isn't Even on the Menu
So after you've taken five minutes of the employee's time (that's a while $0.68 worth of time in Illinois, btw) that they could actually be using to do things like take the drive thru orders, or clean the counter, or brew more coffee, or make the donuts, or sweep the floor, or start thawing more brownies or stocking cups or any number of things that they need to do...
After you've used up this time, now you have to order something that isn't even on the menu. This includes things like "original coolattas" and "chicken egg and cheese on a pepperjack bagel" and "coffee with a scoop of ice cream in it."
This means that the employee has to figure out exactly what you want, as well as trying to figure out how to ring it up. This is going to be trickier since you're still on the phone, right?

Get mad at the Price
Now that you have your insanely complicated and irritating order rung up, you need to get mad because they employee charged you for that ice cream AND the coffee instead of just giving it to you for free. Also get mad because it happens to be $5 for a milkshake.
Because it's totally that individual employee's decision how much something costs.
They're totally doing it just to spite you.

Pay with a $100 Bill
And then get mad when you get your change in $5 bills because we don't actually carry a ton of $20s.

Be impatient while waiting for your food.
This includes interrupting the insanely busy employees with questions like "CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF WATER" and "EXCUSE ME WHEN IS MY FOOD COMING" and "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS"

Yeah neither do we
WHICH IS WHY WE GAVE YOU THAT LOOK WHEN YOU ORDERED IT

hemhem.

Finally,
LEAVE AS BIG OF A MESS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
This includes stomping on your ice cream cones, throwing dirty napkins everywhere, shaving in the public restrooms, leaving your coffee cups on the shelves, and overall just being a total ass about it.


Good job.
You have now ordered like a jerkwad.
A+.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Latte Adventures: Hot or Iced?

Since I've been working at the local Dunkin Donuts, one of the most common orders is a latte.
Especially from 3-6 pm.
It may help that we have a 99c latte at that time.
Maybe.
I dunno.

But anyway, we have these lattes. The thing is, though, is that whenever we have a customer, the order usually goes as thus.

Me: Hi, how can I help you?
Customer: I'd like a medium latte, mocha, with skim milk.
Me: Hot or iced?
Customer: Uhhhhhhhhhh
...
...
...
...
customer: Which one's better?


Really?
I work at the stupid shop, like I'm allowed to say anything other than "they're both excellent?" So why are you even asking? And why didn't you think of this before you ordered?

Eventually they'll make up their mind. Usually the hot latte people have no issue, but then there's the iced latte people.
Let me tell you; iced latte people are either really nice or REALLY picky and have no idea what they're even doing.
Like seriously some of these people I don't think should be allowed to go through the drive through.
Actually, scratch that.
I don't think some of these people should be allowed to order a latte.
Or a coffee.
Or anything.

They'll order something ridiculous like "white chocolate mocha heavy on the mocha" and we'll make it. A cup of ice, add the espresso, add the syrups, add the milk, add whipped cream, and then any of the toppings (mocha or caramel syrups on top) and then give it to them.
Wanna know what half of them say?

"Isn't that too small?"
Uh no, you did order a small.
"Why is there whipped cream?"
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW WE MAKE IT. IT'S ON THE STUPID PICTURE. IF YOU DON'T WANT WHIPPED CREAM, THEN SAY "no whipped cream please" AND THAT'S COOL IT'S LESS WORK FOR US ANYWAY.
"But this isn't what I wanted... Isn't a latte just iced coffee?"
You're kidding me.
Just iced coffee?
A latte has espresso and milk.
An iced coffee is, let's see, COFFEE WITH ICE.
Goodness me.
"This has the caramel/mocha/pumpkin/white chocolate/vanilla/whatever, right?"
No I just thought we'd mess up your order on purpose
OF COURSE IT DOES.
If we're unsure, we'll ask you at the window what flavor.

I don't even know what half of these people think they're getting. Let me show you the picture that we put on all the menus.


See that?
They. Have. Whipped. Cream.
They. Have. Syrups.
They. Are. NOT. COFFEES.

I just.
I don't even.

And then today, we had this lady go through the drive through. Our conversation, to my recollection, went as thus:

Me: Hi, how can I help you?
Woman: I'd like four of the ninety nine cent lattes.
(author's note: We only do two per customer.)
Me: Uhhhh okay
Woman: Caramel. Four. Hot.
(only, when she said "hot" it definitely sounded like she said "iced" so.)
Me: ...Okay.
(Meanwhile, my coworker is starting the FOUR lattes.)
Woman: *pulls up to window*
Me: Um, by the way, the coupon only works for two per customer.
Woman: Well my friend's in the car. So there's two of us. *glares at me*
Okay okay fine lady
Me: Okay....
*money transactions*
Me: Could you please pull forward to the next window?

She did that, and we finished up the four caramel lattes.
So then I brought it up to the window.
AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE
"But I want HOT LATTES NOT ICED. I SAID HOT. D:<"

So we had to go back and remake everything which took way too long because to make a hot latte you need to steam the milk
*facepalm*

Finally I gave her her stupid lattes and had to pretend I was feeling all sorry I'd messed it all up when in reality I was just glad she was finally leaving.

The only upside to this story is that my coworkers and I then drank the mistake lattes.
Yum.



Here's my friendly advice to you people:
KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BEFORE YOU ORDER.

kthxbai

So we're making the iced lattes, right? And then

Friday, May 10, 2013

Science AND Religion?!

There's a huge misconception that if you believe in God you also cannot believe in evolution. Or that if you believe that a higher being created the world that you can't also believe that the world started with the Big Bang.

Uh huh.
Sure.

I'm one of the people we call "Christian Evolutionists."
(Or, as my mom adds: "Catholic. Or Lutheran. Or sane.)
That is?
I believe in God. I think He created the world and made us in His image.
But I also believe that humans evolved from microorganisms from which all life descended.
Wait, what?
Angela, you've gone crazy.
Nuts.
You're bonkers.

Actually.
Not really.

If you really think about both theories, they go more hand in hand than a lot of people would believe. The idea that God created the universe does not block out the theory of evolution and the Big Bang. The creation story? Most of us do not interpret it literally anyway.
The main point of the story is this:
God created us. We screwed up. We have sin.
Poof.

This does not have to happen with women being magically born from a guy's rib. I mean, I could be totally wrong, but I somehow don't see it as being likely that we were formed from one single rib. First of all, science already states that men actually originate as women: Without a certain chromosome, they would be formed as females.
(This is why men have nipples. JSYK.)

So I don't see that as literal, no.
Which leaves it totally open as to how God created the universe. He made it out of nothing, yeah, but there's nothing to say that he didn't do that by starting the Big Bang.
Actually, if you think about it, his "days" could be huge sections of time for us, in which case the thing where we were created near the end would totally make sense seeing how we had to evolve to be humans anyway.

But back to what I originally wanted to say.
The more that I learn about science? The more "heathen evolution" I consume and the more I read about the Big Bang?
The more I truly do believe that God did create us. Because there is no way that everything came from nothing, otherwise.


The moral of this post:
Religion does not cross out science, or vice versa.