Friday, October 21, 2011

I'm Still 3 Years Old

When people look at me and say, "wow, she's so mature", they're missing the fact that I'm still 3 years old.
No, not literally.
In fact, I'll be taking driver's ed next year.

But mentally?
I'm still three.

I still suffer from this. I still have friends who are my friend- but are someone else's friend more. I still know people who are incredibly kind to me... as long as their actual friends aren't alone. There are still things that people don't want me to do. When I was 3 it was Dean and Nick telling me that I couldn't play with them because I was a girl. Now it's a party I'm not invited to, or sitting in a corner and watching all my friends talk and not knowing how to talk to them because I don't do IH. And I don't go to the community college. And I don't watch this TV show or that TV show and crime and bad stuff actually does depress me, it doesn't make me fascinated.

Reaction to exclusion
This is also the same. When I was three it was to run to Dean's mom and tell her that they weren't letting me play with them. Now it's... Running to my sister/best friend and telling my sister, or telling him, that I don't actually have any friends and that I'm not in their cliques.

Tendency to get sad
When I was three, I'd randomly get sad for no reason.
When I was six, I'd get randomly sad for no reason.
When I was nine I still got really sad for no reason.
I'm fourteen now... I still get sad for no real reason at all.

When I was three, my grandma J was teaching me piano. They weren't "official" lessons, just a little bit of instruction. That's when I had el cheapo $20 keyboard sitting on a steamer chest to play on.
In between Amy (my second teacher)'s instruction and Donna (my current teacher)'s instruction, I hated practicing piano. I had two bad teachers, Nick and Corrie, and I didn't enjoy my lessons. Now, though, it's just like when I was 3- only now I have a real piano.

Tendency to feel sorry for myself
As you can tell from the first two bolded titles, I feel bad for myself. I always have. Except nowadays I'm a lot better at not telling people about it... and shoving it away into a little box.

Year or two behind
When I was three I felt four. When I was four I felt six. When I was six I felt like I was seven, when I was seven I felt like I should be nine. I'm fourteen and I feel fifteen. I feel like my brain is too old for my body.

People forgetting my age
And I'm not talking just about my dad's forgetfulness. I'm talking my friends. My friends' parents. My teachers, excluding my mom. My cousins.
On the subject, this tends to swing in two different ways. The first group is usually my family. They're the ones who knew me when I was 3. They also are the ones who seem to suffer under the delusion that I am in fact three years old.
The other group is formed from my friends, their parents, and the other teachers I have. They're the ones who forget that I'm this young. They're the ones who seem to believe that I'm older than Linda is- when I was eleven they were asking me why I didn't participate in teen activities. This group also includes all the random people I meet. In the past two months, about three people have asked me if I'm in college, and two have assumed I'm 16.
It's interesting.

Disney movies
Yes, I admit it. I still love watching the Disney films. I sing along to Aladdin, I love Belle's dress, I get freaked out by the villains in 101 Dalmations, I still love to hate Scar in Lion King. I know a lot of people who just sort of smile at the Disney movies. But they're some of the few I can actually sit through without too much fidgiting.

When I was three, and just starting to do school, I absolutely adored math. It was amazing. I loved the patterns, I loved the Kids Cards, I enjoyed my math programs. As soon as I hit six, I started detesting math. I wouldn't do it. I hated it. When I was twelve I discovered that it was better if I just did it without fussing, and now two years later and I love figuring out what x equals or creating a graph to figure out how much water can flow out of a pipe of x length and fill up a pot of y depth if there's a hole of w width in the pot and b about of water flows out of it per minute.

Alright, so this is more about when I was four, but it's pretty close. Of all my friends? I'd say that 3/4 of them are people I met when I was under six. About 6/7 of them I've known for over two years. Vivian? I've known her since I was four. Elena? I was younger. Linda I've known since who knows how long, Katie I didn't actually ever talk to until I was about... ehhh... 9, but I knew her for a long time. Dylan I knew when I was 5 and then he disappeared- reappearing this year at literature group.

I hate approaching people
This I hated doing when I was three. I still hate it. I'm okay with other people approaching me, but if I have to go introduce myself to someone, I get knots in my stomach.

People have the completely wrong idea of who I am
When I was three, I don't remember much, except for the fact that people completely overestimated me. They still do. Here's the song that a good friend recently said should be my theme song:

While I'm very flattered that they think that of me, and I really like the song, I think most people would choose this as my theme song.

Yeah. . Let's just say that people completely overestimate me still. And it's not just the social stuff, it's in general.

The wish to be overestimated
I know, craziness, right? But it's true. I hate it when people underestimate me... As I complained to my mom once, in the car after piano lessons, "I'd rather struggle through a song too hard for me that I knew I couldn't do, than to play something too easy." Consider me insane.

When I was three, it was procrastinating doing something to not be bored. Now? It's procrastinating doing my school.
Which I'm going to go do now.
Ta ta!

1 comment:

Phill said...

This sounds so familiar (except I've moved quite often so my friends have to change; but I'm still in contact with my friend from when I was 7 or 8).
Good post :)