Hey there folks.
As you all know, I work at Dunkin Donuts as barista/cashier/maid/cook/etc.
Sadly, we have, at the bottom of our receipts, something called a survey code.
Which means that customers, who are usually poorly informed, can provide their poorly informed opinions on the operations of our restaurant.
This is so that they can get a free donut.
I digress.
Today, while I was slaving away for minimum wage, I saw that my bosses had printed out our most recent survey comments. I flipped through the five or so pages of them, most of them either vague or positive, and a certain number of them stood out to me.
Most of the noticeable ones were negative.
My personal theory is that 99% of negative reviews come from customers who are very, extremely, exceptionally, unintelligent.
I'll let you make up your mind after I list several of the reviews that stood out to me, along with my personal interpretation of said reviews.
"You need to have an English speaking taking orders at the drive through! I could to understand your employee and she she didn't understand me because my order was wrong!!!"
This is an actual and direct quote, including the double "she" in it.
Really?
I mean.
Really?
I still can't wrap my brain around this complaint.
Did the person understand how dumb they sounded when they typed this?
I mean, even if you accept that they may have had a typo (which would explain the "she she" and even the "could to" part), are you kidding when you say "an English speaking" as a noun?
I can't.
My interpretation of this?
"I'm racist and I don't like Hispanic people. Also I order in a manner that's so confusing that someone who makes their living by taking orders can't understand what I want."
There was not only a line at the drive thru to order, but also a line to receive your order! Even when you go inside there is a wait, even if there isn't a line.
...
We're a fast food restaurant.
Being busy is the only way we're still in business.
We're not even that busy most of the time.
And also we make your food as you order it so I apologize if your sandwich isn't immediate, but I think you probably want fresh food.
Also please stop complaining to us about having a line. It literally isn't our fault that other people also decided to get their coffee this morning.
My interpretation:
"I am an impatient person who probably didn't like standing in line in elementary school and also probably my parents gave me whatever I wanted when I was a little kid."
Make the coupon expiration dates longer.
IT ISN'T ACTUALLY UP TO US WHEN YOUR COUPONS EXPIRE. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, TALK TO COROPORATE. if YOU ACTUALLY GET TO TALK TO THEM, LET ME KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE SOME ISSUES WITH THEM TOO, THANKS.
"I'm a decent person but I don't actually understand how franchises work."
Take the customers order, take coupons at point of payment, and don't tell the customer they are the reason for any mistakes.
Maybe if you actually ordered properly and gave us your coupons when you pay, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. However, it isn't our job to ask you if you have a coupon. We aren't actually mind readers. Also, I'm glad you know how to do my job better than I do. It's clearly always my fault when something goes wrong; it's never the customer's fault.
Admittedly, no. We shouldn't actually patronize our customers and tell them they're the problem.
(Truth be told though, they usually are the problem.)
So try this, customer: How about you actually show some consideration for the fact that this employee has to talk to a hundred other people just like you and take orders that start sounding the same, and actually treat them like a person? How about you don't freak out if we make a mistake, because it's just as likely as you made a mistake with ordering?
Interpretation:
"I've never had a minimum wage job, I think I know better than you, also I'm way more important than anyone else in this entire building. Your job is clearly to be my servant."
To be honest, there were a couple more, but I can't remember them off the top of my head. I'll get some more of them later though, so never fear!
Monday, November 3, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
How to Order Food Like a Jerkwad
It has come to my attention that all the "cool kids" are, in fact, total dicks to minimum wage employees. This includes yours truly.
So, in order to promote general coolness in all customers, I have devised a handy guide for all of you who want to order like total buttholes.
Here goes.
Order Something While Talking on the Phone
You heard correctly. Maybe. With 99.999% of your attention on the fascinating conversation you're having, the minimum wage worker will have to repeat what she said a dozen times before you actually comprehend the words.
And that's a baker's dozen.
Take Forever While Ordering but don't let the Employee Help the Next Person who Already Knows What They Want and are Prepared to Tip
This step takes a certain skill. First of all, you need to take four or five minutes just to look at the menu, while still saying "I'll have.... uh... I'll do a......" while edging around the counter so that we can't get to the customer who has exact change in their hand (along with a tip) and who is getting increasingly irritated.
(Make sure you're still on your phone, too.)
Order Something that isn't Even on the Menu
So after you've taken five minutes of the employee's time (that's a while $0.68 worth of time in Illinois, btw) that they could actually be using to do things like take the drive thru orders, or clean the counter, or brew more coffee, or make the donuts, or sweep the floor, or start thawing more brownies or stocking cups or any number of things that they need to do...
After you've used up this time, now you have to order something that isn't even on the menu. This includes things like "original coolattas" and "chicken egg and cheese on a pepperjack bagel" and "coffee with a scoop of ice cream in it."
This means that the employee has to figure out exactly what you want, as well as trying to figure out how to ring it up. This is going to be trickier since you're still on the phone, right?
Get mad at the Price
Now that you have your insanely complicated and irritating order rung up, you need to get mad because they employee charged you for that ice cream AND the coffee instead of just giving it to you for free. Also get mad because it happens to be $5 for a milkshake.
Because it's totally that individual employee's decision how much something costs.
They're totally doing it just to spite you.
Pay with a $100 Bill
And then get mad when you get your change in $5 bills because we don't actually carry a ton of $20s.
Be impatient while waiting for your food.
This includes interrupting the insanely busy employees with questions like "CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF WATER" and "EXCUSE ME WHEN IS MY FOOD COMING" and "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS"
Yeah neither do we
WHICH IS WHY WE GAVE YOU THAT LOOK WHEN YOU ORDERED IT
hemhem.
Finally,
LEAVE AS BIG OF A MESS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
This includes stomping on your ice cream cones, throwing dirty napkins everywhere, shaving in the public restrooms, leaving your coffee cups on the shelves, and overall just being a total ass about it.
Good job.
You have now ordered like a jerkwad.
A+.
So, in order to promote general coolness in all customers, I have devised a handy guide for all of you who want to order like total buttholes.
Here goes.
Order Something While Talking on the Phone
You heard correctly. Maybe. With 99.999% of your attention on the fascinating conversation you're having, the minimum wage worker will have to repeat what she said a dozen times before you actually comprehend the words.
And that's a baker's dozen.
Take Forever While Ordering but don't let the Employee Help the Next Person who Already Knows What They Want and are Prepared to Tip
This step takes a certain skill. First of all, you need to take four or five minutes just to look at the menu, while still saying "I'll have.... uh... I'll do a......" while edging around the counter so that we can't get to the customer who has exact change in their hand (along with a tip) and who is getting increasingly irritated.
(Make sure you're still on your phone, too.)
Order Something that isn't Even on the Menu
So after you've taken five minutes of the employee's time (that's a while $0.68 worth of time in Illinois, btw) that they could actually be using to do things like take the drive thru orders, or clean the counter, or brew more coffee, or make the donuts, or sweep the floor, or start thawing more brownies or stocking cups or any number of things that they need to do...
After you've used up this time, now you have to order something that isn't even on the menu. This includes things like "original coolattas" and "chicken egg and cheese on a pepperjack bagel" and "coffee with a scoop of ice cream in it."
This means that the employee has to figure out exactly what you want, as well as trying to figure out how to ring it up. This is going to be trickier since you're still on the phone, right?
Get mad at the Price
Now that you have your insanely complicated and irritating order rung up, you need to get mad because they employee charged you for that ice cream AND the coffee instead of just giving it to you for free. Also get mad because it happens to be $5 for a milkshake.
Because it's totally that individual employee's decision how much something costs.
They're totally doing it just to spite you.
Pay with a $100 Bill
And then get mad when you get your change in $5 bills because we don't actually carry a ton of $20s.
Be impatient while waiting for your food.
This includes interrupting the insanely busy employees with questions like "CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF WATER" and "EXCUSE ME WHEN IS MY FOOD COMING" and "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS"
Yeah neither do we
WHICH IS WHY WE GAVE YOU THAT LOOK WHEN YOU ORDERED IT
hemhem.
Finally,
LEAVE AS BIG OF A MESS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.
This includes stomping on your ice cream cones, throwing dirty napkins everywhere, shaving in the public restrooms, leaving your coffee cups on the shelves, and overall just being a total ass about it.
Good job.
You have now ordered like a jerkwad.
A+.
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