How To Wake Up Early And Stay Awake

Have YOU ever decided to wake up early... Just to fall back asleep? Do you find yourself incapable of waking up earlier than eight in the morning? Do you suffer from a lack of motivation for getting up early? Does your family tease you for FALLING BACK ASLEEP after setting your alarm?

If so, The Guide is for you!

On sale now for only $999.99, The Guide will solve every problem that you encounter*! It will teach you to avoid answering questions you don't want to answer, and it will provide a useful guide to secondhand sales! BUY YOUR GUIDE NOW!
This is a LAST CHANCE OFFER. Buy now and we will throw in an extra pair of underwear AND a toothbrush, FREE OF CHARGE!
Call 555-555-5555 Now to claim this great deal!

*The Guide does not claim to clean your room, feed the dogs, mop the floor, or save you when skydiving. Please consult a doctor before use. Side effects may include: Vomiting, awesomeness, exhaustion, cancer, and death. Please use at your own risk.

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Chapter 7: How To Wake Up Early And Stay Awake

   Chances are good that you've had to wake up early before. You probably woke up to your alarm, shut it off, fell back asleep, and then woke up again an hour later, late for whatever appointment you had to wake up early for. It's a common problem that plagues most humans. Here at The Guide, we're dedicated to waking up early. We've developed a stash of secret tips for waking up early and staying awake, and we've developed a comprehensible plan for you, the reader, to follow.

   Step one: Go to sleep on time.

   It's amazing how many people do not follow this rule. If you need to wake up early, go to sleep earlier as well if at all possible. A good way to decide when to go to sleep is to follow the seven hour rule: If you need to wake up at seven, go to sleep by midnight. If you need to wake up at five, aim to be in bed by ten. This way you'll get enough sleep to deal with the next day.

   Step Two: Set Your Alarm

   If you have a choice of alarm sounds, go for one that is loud, preferably a song or sound that you like, and one that doesn't make you want to fall asleep again. For example, we find it easier to wake up to Icon For Hire's "Make A Move", or Skillet's "Whispers In The Dark", than something more low key like Five For Fighting's "100 Years".

   Step Three: Get Things Set Up

   After setting your alarm but before going to sleep, get everything set out for yourself tomorrow. Choose your outift and lay it out, get your favored method of music (iPod, MP3 player, internet, radio, CD player, etc.) set up for the next morning (See step four), and make sure you have a way to reach a light source from your bed.

   Step Four: Listen To Music

   After waking up in the morning, start listening to music as soon as possible. Listen to something that makes you want to get up and get stuff done, or at least something that prevents you from falling back asleep. Start a CD player, or listen to your MP3 player. The music will make you stay awake.

   Step Five: Turn On Lights

   Do not let yourself stay in a dark room! Turn on a light, preferably a bright one that lights up your room. Dont slowly turn on lights to give your eyes time to adjust, just turn them on. The light will help your body realize it's time to be awake, and will prevent you from falling back asleep.

   Step Six: Get Ready

   Get dressed. Take a shower. Brush your teeth. Put on your makeup, if applicable. In any way, get ready for your day, probably still listening to music for as long as you can and always in light. By now you should definitely feel awake, and the chances for falling back asleep are slim. Still, don't let yourself lay in bed, but keep on your feet as much as posisble.

   By the end of step six you will be more or less awake, and you are most likely going to remain so. Just follow these six steps, modifying them to suit your individual needs and environments, and you'll be staying awake after waking up early like a pro!

How to End a Conversation

Do you often find yourself trapped in endless conversations? Are you sick and tired of the same old routines for ending pointless talking? Do you often find yourself hearing about stuff you don't want to? Sick of listening to random strangers? Do you not only want to avoid hearing about these things, but you want to avoid the conversation altogether?! If so, The Guide is for you!

Filled with handy dandy advice on everything you'll ever need to know*, the guide is guaranteed to make your life better, faster, and easier. Buy The Guide now, and we'll throw in a free marshmallow gun for shooting those pesky siblings!
This is a LAST CHANCE offer! Call 1-555-NOT-REAL for this amazing offer!
*The Guide does not contain information on the following subjects: skydiving, how to hotwire a stereo into a bomb, faery extermination, haircutting, La Famille Passiflore, Association for College Management, how to meet Jorge Arteaga, or corporate spies, among others. The Guide will not burst into flames. The Guide does not claim to feed the user. The Guide is incapable of making sandwiches. Side effects may include: headaches, dizziness, cancer, papercuts, purple hair, awesomeness, and in most extreme cases, belief that one is a zombie. Ask your doctor before using.

Chapter 5: How to End a Conversation

   Chances are in your life you've found yourself trapped in a conversation when you really don't have time to talk. If it's over the phone or face to face, you'll probably find it particularly bad. How can you tell someone you don't have time to talk- and what if they say that you do? You need a way to get out of that conversation, and fast. Chances are you've already tried all the tricks in chapter four, and they either didn't work, or are unavailable. Maybe you don't have time to walk away and then come back. Maybe walking away means they think it's time to walk and talk. Maybe none of those are available. If so- never fear. We at The Guide have come up with another bunch of tips on avoiding conversations. Read on to find out how to avoid all those unwanted conversations.

Be a killjoy.

No one wants to be depressed. Most people also don't know what to say to something depressing. And if they do, chances are you can play off not talking because you're depressed. There are several ways to do this. Our favorites are saying things along the lines of:

"I went to the wake of a two year old yesterday."

"I haven't seen my friend smile since her dog died."

These usually do the trick of making people shut up.

Taking a phone call.

This is a classic, but is also very do-able. If you have your cellphone along when you're in an unfortunate conversation, text someone and tell them to call you to get you out of a conversation. Or, if no one is available, set your alarm to go off in a minute past, with your ringtone as the alarm tone. Pretend that someone is calling you, walk away and take their call. If you're having a conversation on the phone, do the opposite. Pretend that someone is calling you away from the phone to go do something like load the dishwasher.

Invite someone else to join your conversation.

Granted it won't necessarily end the conversation, but it'll might cause the conversation to become more interesting. In a best case scenario, the person who was annoying you and the person you invited to talk might start talking and you can slip away.

Bombard them with random facts.

It's a sad fact, but most people don't really want to learn about the working conditions of seven year olds in a cotton mill in Britain during the Industrial Revolution. Using random facts like that on people will generally get them to think that you're too weird to talk to. Or, it might convince them to leave you alone. Or, worst case scenario, you've reinforced your memory on western civilization.

Here are a few facts to get you started:

Sharks die if they don't keep swimming.

The youngest chimney sweeps during the Victorian era were four years old.

King Richard the Lion Hearted was probably gay.

Your ears create more earwax when you're stressed.

Lions sleep for more than 20 hours each day.

Pretend to lose use of your legs.

Talk to yourself.

Start reminding yourself of stuff you have to do. Rant about people you don't like. Discuss all the homework that you have to do in the next week. Chances are if you do this, people will stop talking to you.

Remember, if all else fails, just tell them that you can't talk. And if they say you can- keep insisting. Sometimes people really are okay at listening.

Have fun ending conversations!

How to Avoid Talking About Things You Don't Want to Talk About

Are you sick of having uncomfortable talks with your parents?
Are you tired of having to put up with the horrible talk from your peers and coworkers?
Do you run and hide whenever you see a certain person coming, because you know that they're just going to talk to you and set you up for an insult?
Do you find these posts irritating?
To avoid all those uncomfortable conversations?

If so, this guide is for you! Filled with insightful tips on how to avoid conversations, The Guide is bound to solve all your problems*!
In this comprehensive guide, you will find instructions on how to avoid questions, avoid conversations, and much more!
For a limited time now, you can buy it for only $9.99!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember, this is a one time offer!
Call 123-456-7890** to buy!!!!!

*Not guaranteed to feed, clothe, bathe, and socialize the reader.
**again. I don't know what would happen if you called that. :)

Chapter 4: How to Avoid Talking About Things You Don't Want To Talk About

   If you've paged open to this chapter, you're probably facing some crisis on a near daily basis where someone, whether it be your coworker, family member, peer, teacher, or just random person off the street, engages you in a conversation on a topic you really don't care about, or feel uncomfortable talking about, or that makes you feel insulted.

   Never fear. There are ways to avoid conversations... And although they are not guaranteed to work for every case, often they will do the job. There are five techniques we will be covering in this chapter. The "pretend you don't know what they're talking about"*, "give them an odd expression"*, "change the subject", "Walk Away", and "answer with random things".

*My mom has said that I have to credit her for these two.

   Some of the techniques have been covered in other chapters, so we shall not cover them again in this one. Please see Chapter Two, How to Avoid Answering Questions You Don't Want to Answer, for the method on changing the subject, and Chapter Three, How to Reply When There is No Reply, for the technique of answering with a random sentence or phrase.
    We shall now continue with the other two.

   Pretend You Don't Know What They're Talking About.   

   This is a fairly simple approach. All you have to do is pretend that you have no clue what they're saying. Let us take a look at two different conversations, one using this approach, and one not.

   Mom: So. I heard that you flunked your math test.

   You: Well... Um.....

   Mom: Grounded!

And here is the conversation, with you pretending you have no clue what your mom is saying.

   Mom: So. I heard that you flunked your math test.

   You: Sorry?

   Mom: did you fail your test?

   You: Could you repeat that?

   Mom: Did. You. Fail. Your. Math. Test?

   You: Sorry mom, but honestly, I have no clue what you're saying. I'm going to go to bed now, okay?

   Mom: Not until you tell me if you flunked your test!

   You: Oh! A test?! So that's what you're talking about!

   Mom: *sigh* I'm going to go make dinner.*

 

  *Not recommended in use during real grade-talks. Your education is important. The Guide does not take responsibility for any failed lives.

 

     As you can see, that was a lot more productive. Even if you eventually have to own up to the failed math test (which you will), you can bring it up on your own time and in your own terms. This way you are not caught unawares.

   Let us look at the second technique.

   Give the person an odd expression*.   An odd expression can be anything from widening your eyes at them, to giving them the "you have something on your teeth" look, to contorting your face into something that might resemble an alien. This is a hard technique to demonstrate in this Guide, but the important thing is not to stop giving them the look until they walk away. Once they do that, you are free to abandon the possibly painful pose and go discuss Justin Beiber** with your friends.

*This comes from a YouTube video, of which I have only watched the first half. The Guide does not claim copyrights for this.

**The Guide does not own the brand Justin Beiber. The Guide does not take responsibility for any injuries acquired from raving fan girls.

   Walk away.  This is a very simple technique, but is not recommended for conversations involving a car. To walk away from someone, it is most important to part with some excuse for leaving, saying goodbye, or using some random, conclusive phrase. Otherwise, the other person is prone to thinking you want them to walk with you, and the method is no longer useful.

   These techniques, while useful by themselves, are usually more effective if you use them along with another method, such as Changing the Subject, Random Phrases, and/or just walking away.

How to Avoid Answering Questions You Don't Want to Answer

Are you sick of answering awkward questions? Do you live in fear for the days you know you'll meet nosy people?!
Do you find yourself changing the subject all because you know that you have no good reply?!
If you answered YES to any of those questions then this guide is for you!!!
Remember, this is a LAST CHANCE OFFER!!! To buy the COMPLETE GUIDE please call 123-456-7890!*

*Again: I don't know what happens when you call that. :D

Chapter Two: Avoiding Questions

   Chances are, if you're reading this section of The Guide, you've found yourself up against some uncomfortable questions. Maybe it's your mom, asking you how your day was. Or it's your annoying brother, asking whether you have a crush on a certain guy. Or maybe it's just your friend, asking you whether or not they're invited to your birthday party, when you know you aren't inviting them.

   In any of these situations, you probably find yourself changing the subject immediately, in a desperate attempt to get away from the question as fast as possible, without answering it.

   Let us look at an example situation:

Lucy: So, do you have a crush on Jamie?

You: That math test is really horrible.

Lucy: HA! You DO have a crush on him!

   As you can see, if you really wanted that to be a secret, that is not the best way to go about hiding it. Changing subjects rapidly and without answering the original question only provokes the questioner, and causes them to just pursue the subject more relentlessly. 

   A better way to avoid uncomfortable questions is to briefly answer the question and then to change the subject by making a comment on your surroundings. Let us look at that same example, only using the new, improved, and better technique.

Lucy: So, do you have a crush on Jamie?

You: *shrugs* kinda, I guess.... Hey, Lucy?

Lucy: ha... yeah?

You: could you help me out with this math problem? The math test is really horrid.

Lucy: yeah, sure. It is, isn't it?

   The important thing to remember when answering the question is not to straight out deny anything, nor straight out say yes, either. If you said "No!" when Lucy asked you the question, you would have provoked her more. If you had said "Yeah, yeah I do", it does the same thing. The idea is to answer somewhere neutral, but in either direction.

   Another important thing to remember is to use your surroundings. If your little sister does something really cute, point it out! If you see something really colorful, point it out! If Lucy has something in her hair, point it out! Thing is, changing the subject using your surroundings is a lot more deceptive/sneaky than it is to start talking about something completely unrelated to anything!

Now, go out and avoid those questions.

Rummage Sales

Welcome to May! That is... THE BEGINNING OF GARAGE/ESTATE/RUMMAGE SALES! Today I went to one rummage sale ($3 for a bag... I got two bags full of stuff), and it was awesome. I got

1. A denim (DENIM! *is in love*) comforter for my bed.
2. One sweater made of wool, which I am cutting up right now to unravel (so I can knit the yarn again),
3. A bunch of t-shirts to refashion
4. one long sleeved flannel-y shirt that I can just wear
5. One sparkly gold sweater/shirt that I wore to my piano recital this morning.
6. One pair of white keds I gave to Valerie for her to graffitti.

And that's about it. :)
Now, I've been going to rummage/garage/estate/yard sales for as long as I can remember. There's just something about them that I love. Maybe it's the stuff for 50 cents. Or maybe it's the fact that the stuff is weird. Or because you meet weird people. Or because it's just fun.
But either way, I feel very privileged to be part of the second hand sale community. I am, however, aware that not everyone has that. Therefore, here is an excerpt from my Guide (see post below this) which I am sharing for all of you poor deprived readers.

Chapter 6: Second Hand Sales

   If you're at this section, it is very likely that it is sometime between the months of May and September. You're driving along in your car, and you are suddenly being blinded by the obnoxious neon colored "GARAGE SALE", "ESTATE SALE", and "HUGE KID'S SALE"* signs. You go to church and are blinded by the not-so-neon "RUMMAGE SALE" and "BAG SALE" signs. You don't know what these mean, and you are frightened. Suddenly you're seeing zombies around every corner, the Earth has become flat, and people you thought were sane are all of a sudden freaking out about these mysterious sales you see!

   Stop what you're doing!

   Here is our easy to comprehend guide for these sales you see everywhere. First, we will define the types of sales, then we will break them down into two general subcategories.

*Though I'm not sure why anyone would be selling "Huge Kids", it certainly seems to be quite common, at least around where I live...

1. Garage Sales.  These are probably the most common types of summer sales you will see. They usually take place at someone's house, with the family living at the house running the sale. It is also usually the family's belongings that are for sale. They are pretty much the same thing as Yard Sales, and most usually take place in the garage and the yard.
2. Estate Sales.  These are pretty awesome. What this means is that there was someone who had an "estate"... That is, a household of junk. When they died/moved away, they or their relatives sold pretty much everything to an estate-sale-expert, who then held the sale. Estate Sales are virtually always held at the person's house, and you normally have to go into the house and through the rooms to find the stuff. Things are often more expensive than at Garage Sales, but there are often far cooler items for sale.
3. Rummage Sales. Our personal favorites, Rummage Sales are usually held at a public area such as a church and are, in essence, a blown up Garage Sale. You never know what you're going to find here, and often the items are priced at a very low price. In fact, the last day is usually a Bag Sale, where if you fill up a bag with items**, it will cost a certain amount of money- $5-$3 is the norm.

**With some exceptions. Once I went to a rummage sale, and for some inexplicable reason you weren't able to put shoes or belts in the bag. You weren't allowed to put the piano in one... I cannot imagine why!

   Now that we have broken the sales down into their first categories, let me add the two subcategories.
  There are two types of Sales:

• The Money-Making (MM) ones
• The Get-Rid-Of-Junk (GROJ) ones.

   The difference is quite important. MM sales are ones where the items are usually priced higher, and the stuff is far less interesting. There is often fewer items for sale, and the people are not nearly as willing to bargain with you as the ones in the GROJ ones. The GROJ sales are as they sound- some person has a whole lot of crud in their basement, and they're trying to sell it for as cheap as possible*** before they have to give it to Goodwill.

***Which type do you think my family usually has? 

   Now, go forth and conquer them Sales!